SEC Football Vibes: Bold, Fearless, And Insane Predictions

    Take a look at what we're vibing on in SEC football, as we make some bold, fearless, and absolutely insane predictions heading into the 2016 season. It’s

    Take a look at what we’re vibing on in SEC football, as we make some bold, fearless, and absolutely insane predictions heading into the 2016 season.

    It’s here! SEC football season is here! I never thought it was going to arrive, but it actually did. Who says a watched pot never boils?

    I’ve been vibing on some throwback 90s music lately – Shaggy never got enough credit for Mr. Boombastic – while reading and rereading every football preview possible heading into the best time of the year. Some ironing of my game day wardrobe has commenced and, well, I’m just pumped for the season.

    It is that time again, so give out a “War Eagle,” start learning the Texas A&M yells, and acquire all the ingredients for gumbo as we dig into some bold, fearless and absolutely insane predictions in our latest edition of SEC Football Vibes.

    –  The ultra-focused Gus Malzahn will show up on the sidelines of the Auburn-LSU game wearing a sweater vest, but no shirt underneath, proving that his arms haven’t done a curl in more than 20 years.

    –  In a Ron Burgundy-type move, Les Miles will jump into Mike the Tiger’s lair to play with the animal. A masked man that eerily resembles JaMarcus Russell will rescue Miles just in time.

    –  In a funny turn of events, Bret Bielema will get into trouble for riding a Hog. No, not a Harley-Davidson, but an actual hog that he is thinking of adopting.

    –  Fed up and getting ready to retire, Verne Lundquist will finally admit to each fan base that he secretly hates their team and openly roots against them each telecast.

    –  After beating Florida for the first time since 1986, Kentucky quarterback Drew Barker will tell ESPN, “We shocked the world.” The world will then respond with, “Dude, we have a lot of other things going on. Who are you again?”

    –  Texas A&M defensive end Myles Garrett will get tired of simply sacking quarterbacks, and will challenge the entire Corps of Cadets to a fight. Garrett will look like he’s going to win until the band distracts him by somehow having 22 people all in one spot, at the same exact time, without them bumping into each other.

    –  In his return to Gainesville on November 12, Will Muschamp will be met with cheers of indifference until he tackles Mr. Two Bits at midfield. He will be charged with manslaughter and spend the rest of his life in maximum security prison defending his tenure with the Gators. 

    –  The honeymoon period between Jim McElwain and the Florida fan base will ultimately come to an end after McElwain’s habit of not wearing socks ends up making The Swamp smell like old shoes.

    –  Nick Saban will finally tire of winning all the time. After an easy victory over Tennessee in October he will become what he was meant to be in life: host of a smooth jazz radio show.

    –  After he mentions the fact that he ran a marathon during the offseason for the 26th time, Mississippi State beat writers will gang up on Dan Mullen and give him an ultimate wedgie. No one likes a braggart, Dan.

    –  In a disgusting moment at Sanford Stadium, Kirby Smart’s vocal chords will spontaneously combust after two straight hours of yelling at his defense. UGA (the dog) will then come over and enjoy them for dinner.

    –  Missouri’s Andy Hill, now the wide receiver coach after three years mentoring the quarterbacks, will set up a trick play with Emanuel Hall, a wide receiver, throwing the ball instead of Drew Lock because, “that young Josh Heupel kid just doesn’t know how to mold them quarterbacks.”

    –  Butch Jones will attend a therapy session titled “Winning In The Fourth Quarter.” Ironically, Derek Dooley will be teaching the class.

    –  The term “Anchor Down” will take a whole new meaning at Vanderbilt when a Commodore fan gets sick after eating at Prince’s Hot Chicken Shack and takes a deuce on the 20-yard line.

    –  Sensing a calling, Hugh Freeze resigns after the first week of the season in order to run as an Independent in the 2016 Presidential Campagin. His running mate? Joel Osteen.

    –  The “War Eagle” will refuse to fly during pregame as he holds out for a new contract. In a press conference, the eagle will state, “I’m the only thing that was exciting in this stadium last season.”

    MORE: 2016 College Football Bowl Projections

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