SEC Football Vibes: An Alabama Football Conspiracy Theory

    Take a look at what we're vibing on in the SEC, including a discussion about what, exactly, was going on in Gus Malzahn's head, and an Alabama conspiracy theory that will blow your mind.

    Take a look at what we’re vibing on in the SEC, including a discussion about what, exactly, was going on in Gus Malzahn’s head, and an Alabama conspiracy theory that will blow your mind.

    That was a fun opening weekend, wasn’t it? Phew. Take a breath because we have three more months to go. There were upsets (poor Mississippi State kicker), some of the zaniest offensive game plans ever put on a college football field, and, well, I don’t want to say Alabama absolutely crushed the dreams of all USC fans, but rumor is that Will Ferrell has been seen at the Trojans practice yelling at the players to “get off the damn shed.”

    Lately, I’ve been vibing on some 90s R&B – keep that on the Down Low, okay R. Kelly – some Thai food that has me seriously considering moving to Thailand and becoming Muay Thai columnist, and, just yesterday, texting my brother Brad to remind him that he is once again seven years older than me.

    Bang Biscuit! It is that time again, so go to a rival school’s message board and accuse them of cheating, tweet at your least favorite writer – that’s not me, is it? Please don’t let that be me – and get into an argument with an arrogant person from New England about why college football beats the NFL, as we dive head first into the latest edition of our SEC Football Vibes.

    –  Poor Les Miles. With all the talent that the Tigers acquire, how is Brandon Harris the best quarterback he can find? After Harris threw that game-ending interception, I grabbed the keys to my car and started up to Milwaukee only to realize I was going the wrong direction and don’t even have a car. The question remains: whose car was I driving???

    –  I’m don’t want to start any rumors, but Will Muschamp acted like he had a bad connection on this week’s SEC Coaches Teleconference, and no media members ended up asking him questions after the first one. Was he faking the bad connection? If so, that was smooth.

    –  Speaking of the weekly teleconference calls, I always imagine that Missouri head coach Barry Odom is constantly worried that no one is going to ask him anything. He seems genuinely excited when a pertinent question is posed to him. I plan on having a question of the week for him from now on. I got you, Barry.

    –  Speaking of conspiracies, one of my colleagues recently got me on the whole “Katy Perry is actually JonBenet Ramsey” theory. I’m now extremely intrigued and want to start my own conspiracy theory, so here it is: Nick Saban is actually Bear Bryant’s secret love child that he ignored, and Nick only took the Crimson Tide job to hopefully “finally make his papaw happy.” Spread the word!

    –  A friend who was tailgating before the Auburn game this past weekend sent me a picture of a pig. I asked, “Are you roasting that?” I think she got mad at the question. Sorry, but if I see a pig around a tailgate, 99.9% of the time that sucker is going on the spit.

    –  I spent part of Sunday practicing my three-step drop just in case Gus Malzahn gets the urge to put me into the game when I’m down in Auburn later this month. That should be the Auburn marketing department’s ticket selling pitch: come to a game and YOU might get a chance to play quarterback for the Tigers. (Note: No offense line protection included.)

    –  In the dumbest storyline of the week, people were asking Butch Jones about whether a quarterback controversy could be taking place in Knoxville. Listen, it was one game. Joshua Dobbs will be fine. Relax, people.

    –  Georgia running back Nick Chubb is a robot. That is my only reaction to him going out and rushing for 222 yards after that freak knee injury last October.

    –  In a list of “That’s Kentucky Football For Ya” games – this list is kept by my father – the past two games, against Louisville last season and Saturday’s season opener against Southern Miss, are right up there. My poor dad. At least he has basketball to look forward to.

    –  Of course I felt bad that they went all to the way to Green Bay and saw their Tigers lose, but I felt worse that LSU fans had to put up with the dumbest tradition in college sports: Wisconsin’s Jump Around between the 3rd and 4th quarter. Listen, jumping up and down like an idiot to a song that came out in 1992 does not a tradition make. Good try, good effort.

    –  This whole idea of Johnny Manziel reenrolling at Texas A&M to finish his degree sounds like a recipe for disaster … or the next Lifetime movie. I will let you decide which.

    Taking a break while Malzahn brings in his eighth quarterback …

    Aaaaand, I’m back. 

    –  The Florida offense was once again mediocre at best in its season opener. You know what they should try? PLAYING 13 QUARTERBACKS!!!! (Have I run that joke into the ground? Okay, then. I will use new material. I’m not Vince Vaughn and Owen Wilson.)

    –  Texas A&M has agreed to elevate its partnership with Anheuser-Busch. Why are you cheating on Shiner Bock, Aggies? What did they ever do to you? Is it just about the money? Oh, right. It is only about the money. Carry on then.

    –  People who attended last Thursday’s South Carolina-Vanderbilt game should get their money back, or, at the very least, a coupon to the Grand Ole Opry. Performing next week? Billy Ray Cyrus in a last-minute attempt to be relevant before his daughter disowns him.

    MORE: 1-128 College Football Rankings – Week 2

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