College Football Cavalcade Of Whimsy, Week 3: Cardale Jones Question

    The College Football Cavalcade of Whimsy following Week 3 looks at the Cardale Jones question at Ohio State.

    September 22, 2015

    Sorry if this column sucks, it’s not my fault …

    … it’s 3rd String column @ The Ohio State University. Oh Wait, 2nd String.

    Fortunately, he’s not just there to play football

    This is the luxury of being Ohio State.

    The Buckeyes aren’t going to lose to Western Michigan. They could try to lose to Indiana and it wouldn’t happen. Maryland, Penn State, Rutgers? No, no, and are you kidding? The way Minnesota is playing, forget it, and there’s no chance of losing to Illinois.

    With its amazing defense and great ground game, Ohio State is going to be 10-0 before the Michigan State game no matter who’s at quarterback, which is why you start Cardale Jones, stick with him, and understand that it’s not always going to be pretty.

    You knew this, Urban. You have the No. 1 overall draft pick on your roster – or No. 2 behind your Mr. Bosa – but you knew you had to develop him. You knew he needed the at-bats. He’s going to have to just play, and play, and play until it all starts to click, because the upside it that he might be the reason you win a second national title.

    Yes, that’s the luxury of being Ohio State. You’re playing for November 21st right now, and overall, early January. Style points mean nothing in the preseason.

    Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice, BeetleJaMarcus … JaMarcus, JaMarcus

    You think it’s tough being an NFL scout and evaluate the top spread quarterbacks? Good luck trying to make a call on Cardale Jones. Forget all the work he needs to do on his game, you really want to worry about whether or not your franchise quarterback is concerned with his Twitter profile? Come April, you’re going to read and hear the widest-ranging opinions and evaluations on any superstar prospect ever.

    Ole Miss, that was okay, but what are you going to do this week against Vanderbilt, hmmmmm?

    Pollsters? 1) WHAT ELSE DO YOU NEED TO SEE OUT OF OLE MISS? 2) You can’t have it both ways. You can’t rank Ohio State No. 1 and Alabama 12th.

    Ole Miss hangs up 149 points on the board in its first two games – scoring 76 against UT Martin and 73 against Fresno State – and, pollsters, you yawn. Fair enough – playing those two isn’t like, oh, I don’t know … like playing Alabama on the road in the SEC opener at night.

    The Rebels come out roaring, put 43 on the board showing off style, flair, daring, and a bad-ass defense that fought tooth and nail against the most physical team in college football to pull off a historic win. But noooooooo, that’s not good enough.

    “Hmmmm, that was nice, but I’m still waiting to see if they can really do something more … but I do like what that kicky TCU team did struggling at Minnesota, and I liked what Baylor did so far against – oh, who am I kidding, I haven’t watch Baylor played a down of football yet.”

    Would scoring 45 against Alabama have done something for you? 50? AP voters – you REALLY are going to rank a TCU team decimated by defensive injuries and looking just okay so far over an Ole Miss team that did THAT?

    Secondly, I’ll buy in if you want to rank Ohio State first based on how good you think the team is, and I’m all cool with the concept that it’ll turn it on when it actually has to. However, if you do that, you’re ranking the Buckeyes there based solely on how good you think they are, and not for anything they’ve actually done in the 2015 season.

    If you’re going to do that, pollsters, then I want you to look your loved ones in the face, stare deep into the eyes of those pretty little wives/girlfriends/boyfriends/all of the above of yours, and say the words, “if your life depended on it, I’d pick TCU, Baylor, Georgia, Florida State, Notre Dame, UCLA, and Clemson over Alabama right now on a neutral field.”

    On the best-team theory, I’d buy it more if you still believed Alabama is No. 2 behind Ohio State more than I would what these polls are currently reflecting.

    Seriously, Alabama fans? Don’t leave the column now. There’s still time to get better.

    Why was everyone so ready to bury the Ole Miss-Alabama game?

    With the clock stopping after just about everything, and with all the NFL talent on the Crimson Tide offense, along with the type of defense capable of rising up and coming up with a few stops, of course it wasn’t over with ten minutes to play and the Rebels up 43-24.

    This wasn’t that hard to read what was about to happen, considering the sense of urgency matched with a gassed Rebel D. Alabama marched and scored, but even Kirk made a comment that the deal was already sealed after the missed two-point conversion.

    But there was still well over six minutes to play and the Crimson Tide were only down 13.

    All it was going to take to make this an epic finish was one defensive stop and one touchdown drive from one of the best teams in college football in its home park, and that’s exactly what happened.

    It was like no one had seen a high-level SEC game before because high-level SEC games seem to always go right down to the wild finish. Really, what else did you have to do, Crimson Tide fans? Beat the rush to go watch the BYU-UCLA finish – which was totally worth it, BTW.

    Cheer, cheer for Old Screamy Pain …

    Gee, thanks, NBC, for making sure your camera got really, really up close so you could properly capture just how much agony Notre Dame safety Drue Tranquill was in as he screamed out in blinding, searing pain after tearing his ACL following a big play against Georgia Tech. There’s absolutely no worthwhile or rational reason whatsoever to have shown or to replay this so some twisted individual can watch someone’s son suffer. This wasn’t a key play or moment that mattered in a game – like the gruesome Laquon Treadwell injury against Auburn last year. This was a jacked up kid celebrating and landing wrong. Be better than this, America.

    Jinxing it now for when the 9-0 Tigers come off a win over Florida State and lose at Syracuse

    America, it’s time to finally retire the term, Clemsoning – defined by as the act of delivering an inexplicably disappointing performance, usually within the context of a college football season. The concept was mentioned more than a few times before the Tigers’ date with Louisville last Thursday night, but I’d like to try to end this misnamed term, mainly because it’s not really accurate.

    Clemsoning became a thing around 2006, when the Tigers got off to a 7-1 start, and then, just when the team appeared to be headed for big things, lost at Virginia Tech. It wouldn’t have been any big deal to lose to a Hokie team that finished 11-3, but Clemson ended up dropping four of its final five games.

    The next year, Clemson became the hot team despite back-to-back early losses, going 8-2 and with the attention starting to kick in. One home loss to Boston College later, and Clemsoning was part of the college football vocabulary. However, BC was fantastic – finishing the year 11-3 – and it was a tight 20-17 loss. It’s not like Clemson gagged, but it didn’t matter.

    The point is that the definition is sort of wrong. Clemsoning should refer more to a great team that clunks against a team it shouldn’t and/or at the absolute wrong time, all but ruining its season because of it.

    Which is why it should now be called Georgiaing.

    Georgia is easily the best team in the SEC East this season, but you just know it’s going to biff it at some point, and why? Because it’s Georgia.

    A 6-1 Georgia went Georgiaing against a bad Florida team last year, and ended up missing out on playing for the SEC title because of it.

    Georgia went Georgiaing against Vanderbilt in 2013. The 35-7 loss to South Carolina in 2012? A Georgiaing.

    The opener to Boise State in 2011, most of the first half of the 2010 season, at home to Kentucky in 2009, Georgia Tech in 2008, at home to a mediocre South Carolina team to start out the 2007 season, to Vanderbilt and Kentucky in 2006, and … Georgiaing, Georgiaing, Georgiaing , Georgiaing, Georgiaing, Georgiaing.

    Really … miss me yet? Love, Bo.

    The last time Nebraska start 1-2? 1981. Before that? 1960. This is going GREAT.

    It would be nice, though, to see a completed forward downfield pass at some point.

    Okay, blind taste test time. Which team should be ranked higher at the moment based on what has actually happened on the field?

    Team A: Road win over a likely bowl-bound ACC team. Home shutout win over a cupcake FCSer. Double-digit home win over a team that just beat the No. 6/7 team on the road by double digits.

    Team B: Road win over a likely bowl-bound ACC team. Home shutout win over a cupcake Group of Fiver. Seven point home win over a good, but vastly inferior, MAC team.

    Team A: 97th in total offense, but No. 1 in scoring defense and No. 6 in total D.
    Team B: 75th in total offense, but No. 11 in scoring defense and No. 5 in total D.

    Yeah, yeah, yeah, we all know who the better team really is, but if we’re supposed to go on what we prove, not what we believe – which is how rankings are supposed to be done – then why isn’t Northwestern ranked ahead of Ohio State? The Buckeyes sputtered and struggled with Northern Illinois, while the Wildcats shut down a Stanford team in the opener that just rolled past USC.

    With this running game, more like Road To The Buffalo Wild Wings

    This goes for Wisconsin, and every other big-time college program. Take down your “The Road To The Rose Bowl Begins Here” type of inspirational signs in your locker room and replace them with ones that say “The Road To The College Football Playoff Begins Here.” Last year, going to the Rose Bowl meant something. This year, it’s just another big bowl game – you want your road to lead to the Orange or Cotton Bowl. Act accordingly.

    Welcome to the 18th Annual What The Hell Are You Still Doing Playing College Football? rant.

    From Ricky Williams to Charles Rogers, Marcus Lattimore to Jadeveon Clowney, Adrian Peterson to Todd Gurley, and just about every superstar pro prospect college football player in between, it’s the same thing every year.

    18th annual regurgitation of the same tired lines coming up: 1) Why would you possibly do anything to ruin your investment? 2) Why would you take your winning lottery ticket, stick it in your pants pocket, and put it through the washing machine? 3) If you get hurt, even if you’re insured, are the colleges, fans and coaches going to reimburse you for the lost millions? 4) If you get don’t leave college, and you get hurt, and you lose millions because of it, it’s your fault. And finally, the mantra …

    If you’re a guaranteed first round draft prospect, you never, ever, ever, ever, ever play one more down of college football than you absolutely have to.

    Forget the Lattimore example for a moment, what about Dante Fowler? Suffer a torn ACL this year as a Florida Gator, and the draft stock drops rehabbing for free. Suffer a torn ACL as a Jacksonville Jaguar, and rehab with $23.5 million in guaranteed money.

    Leonard Fournette, you did it. You made it. Thank your coaches, thank the fans, thank the teammates who should totally and completely understand if they really do care about you. It’s all about business now. Leave, get an agent, and save your body for the Houston Texans.

    “That’s right, yes. A. T. Hun. My parents were Mr. and Mrs. Norman Hun, but they had a little joke when I was born.”

    Here’s South Carolina’s problem – Steve Spurrier is still trying to figure out the 2015 college football season based on Attila the Hun’s first book – even though the Huney Bun could neither read nor write – instead of the second book, Fifty Huns Darker, which would’ve showed him how to get his D to generate a pass rush, and the third and final installment, Attila Freed, which would’ve solved his quarterback situation.

    The sure-thing, 100%, rock-solid lock, sell the house, sell the kids, no doubt about it picks of the century for this week

    Trying to compete with ESPN Sports Consultants … 7-2 straight up so far, 5-4 against the spread
    1. San Diego State -15 over Penn State (but Penn State straight up)
    2. Toledo -7.5 over Arkansas State
    3. New Mexico -3 over Wyoming
    4. South Carolina -14 over UCF

    C.O.W. shameless gimmick item …

    The weekly five Overrated/Underrated aspects of the world
    1) Overrated: Miranda Lambert … Underrated: Greyson Lambert

    2) Overrated: Notre Dame being out of the CFP chase after Week 2 … Underrated: Notre Dame being in the CFP chase after Week 3

    3) Overrated: Whining about how good Nebraska and Miami used to be … Underrated: Miami 36, Nebraska 33 in OT

    4) Overrated: Panic over 2-1 Auburn … Underrated: Arkansas passing game

    5) Overrated: Jared Goff 268 yards and three TDs … Underrated: Jerrod Heard 364 yards passing and 163 rushing with three scores

    Sorry if this column sucked, I wasn’t my fault …

    … if this column was an ass kicking, I’d like to see what last year’s was.

    Follow and/or Contact or Send Baskets of Mini Muffins to
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    MORE: College Football Bowl Projections AFter Week 3


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